midlife crisis when the fog lifts

Some people may end up leaving their spouse for the affair partner. I have been begging her to stop contacting him and give me a chance to show her i can be the one she fell in love with. Im a couple weeks late to this conversation, but have you considered telling him to stay home with the baby one night because you have plans? She had made a regular hole in our sex schedule to accommodate him! Stop trying to fix it or him. He will have his freedom now to do whatever he wants, answer to no one, and im TERRIFIED he will love it. You were hurting me, but I wasnt aware of it. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. He didnt know what he wanted. Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. I tell him its not appropriate. If we are seeing a councillor. Hes very quiet and doesnt share much with me, so.. She snuck back into town and it all started up with a vengeance. I tried leaving a reply a little bit ago but it didnt seem to work. Its like he wants to talk to me about his life sometimes and im ok with that, but I dont know where I am supposed to enforce boundaries. his view on me became totally negative, and that started to change recently. Even though Ive known about all of this for 7 months now and weve been going through problems for 10 months now. Its going to take time. K. Im sorry you continue to go through this. I redefined my role as his W. I do not back down any more. But acted as if we were so good and wonderful. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. He admitted it and a few weeks later he ended it with her. Do not fixate on her the OW. But had you left you would not have had to watch the affair continue for years. I said no. She has told me last Monday that she has stopped contacting him so this might be a positive. DDay 2 was my turning point. I had enough, limbo stage is just too torturous for me. That it is disrespectful to agree to something and turn around and do the opposite. Me, almost five months, passed already. His phone went off a few times last night when he was asleep and I was VERY tempted to look at it, but I didnt. So DDay2 I told him I was D him b/c I could no longer live with him cheating. I was very standoffish, not mean, just did my own thing. Midlife Crisis: Signs, Stages, Timeline, & More - Healthline That is the life you would be having. That they are friends. At the same time I had a child involved in an emotionally abusive relationship (bf/gf). I wish someone could boost me up EVERYDAY and tell me like youve got this today. Youre absolutely right. He texted me last night when he was going to bed, and of course in my mind im still wondering if he is where he says he is, but im not asking questions. Of course I was very unprepared for the ILYBNILWY speech a few days later and demand for a D a week after DDay1. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. During that time we have experienced so many of the topics in this blog like gaslighting. I have wanted NOTHING more than to fix us and move forward and be the great couple we have always been, but he seems to be all over the place and completely blames me for the problems in our marriage that lead to his affair. but it was the more i try to get her to see she was pulling a family apart and 2 kids lives. He cannot believe he even said that to me. It his pattern. And if im there calling the shots. I learned this the HARD way during my Hs A. I thought (like you) that I could change him. of course not. And I let him back in 6 days later like an idiot and soon enough, it all falls apart again. And I have my DDay2 showdown to prove I will do it. 3 Signs of a Midlife Crisis Coming to an End - What to get She was 23 at the start of their relationship, the same year I celebrated my 50th birthday, so I get you on the 20 something part too. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. What was happening behind my back, I think I could have handled a lot more because you werent walking in and lying to me. Theres loss of your kids. My big fear was that if I left the other woman would appear at my door within hours because she had obviously already replaced me online right in front of my face at home so I know he would have had no problem seeing her face to face if I wasnt here especially after finding out he was making secret phone calls to her and never did tell her he was married until I inserted myself in the situation and made it known that he had a wife. Tried and true solutions I learned the hard way. All this affair fog is nothing but fucking crap they do not respect you they do not love you they do not care about the consequences that is going to happen all of this affair fog is nothing but excuses for them to have sex with another person they have given up on their marriage and they are not worthyOf being with, I totally agree. I do know these things. its crazy bc I know him so well, to think he doesnt care seems almost ridiculous for me to say, but when you look at their actions, clearly he doesnt care. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. Because our relationship was failing. I feel like if I just let go he will come around and wake up and see what hes losing. Waiting for him to make a decision can only last so long. One night he told me that if we divorced that I was still hot (in my 50s) and tons of guys would want to date me. In addition, I have been trying so hard that I have told her that she can keep her AP and her family too. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. She needs to make her decisions on her own and I doubt that she really moved out to find herself. Perhaps thats a small part of the reason, but I bet she did more so that she could spend more time with the affair partner. That new love attraction or high. I lived with that for 6 long hard painful months. All of your responses and advice on this page seem to be so great, and I am going through a similar situation I could really use some advice on. I wish I could go back to 2 weeks ago when he was terrified and texting me nonstop and I was being very short and sticking to my guns. He continued to cheat. Im sure im going to be extremely sad and depressed about this in a days time, I know its going to be so hard. Like I said, he is still sleeping at home. Will he EVER come out of this fog he has created or is this just the new reality he has created? When a persons eyes are opened, there is no going back. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. HE ALREADY IS ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ON YOUR M! BUt how the hell do you SHOW that youre moving on in life when you have a 5 month old baby that you are trying to get on a schedule and you have to be home pretty often and he sees & knows that.I feel like in this ENTIRE situation I have not been given a shot. My CH has an exceptionally hard head. But maybe he doesnt even know he is slowly losing me. I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. but are separated now and she moved out to find her self. But with a plan B in place, a change in power and control in your marriage and the ability to stand up for what YOU and want, you can have a happy marriage. SERIOUSLY?! Yeah, whatever we do is seems very wrong. But really what else am I supposed to do? Then the next day he sent me a text after I left for work asking why I thought he was still speaking to her. When he doesnt have me, he seems to finally wake up. You are not forgetting. However, these crises can often be associated with Those are the two choices you have. If you want to be with her then youre going to make that choice and im not going to stand in your way. and he said I was wrong again and I just let it go because I have no proof. But I was being calm and level headed. Which I get bc I feel the same way. I flirt with guys and send nude pics sometimes(which he has seen before) but I never really get the urge to sleep with these guys. It financially protects me. Plain & simple! Years ago I could barely make it through an hour without crying. You know he is unreliable. Hopefully this reply works, bc my last one was very long explaining my situation and it seems like it disappeared. I insisted we go to marriage counseling, and for a year, my counselor & I proceeded to tell him he wasnt meeting my needs. Someone who would literally do ANYTHING for me. I didnt know we had problems so it all has been a total rollercoaster. The only thing the cheater sees is their own selfish needs and desires. Plan your own social life dont feel obligated to include him in you plans. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. I have no friends or family no job since he never allow me to and with the pandemic lock down I havent had any luck. When I confronted her she said she was depressed and disconnected. You are his W and deserve to be his #1. One year ago today we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy and excited. If you decide to try and R at some point, you need to come to an understanding between both of you as to what your M will be and look like. Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. I realized that because I was acting in a predictable way and giving you the safety net, that if I would have started behaviors that were unpredictable of me, I think that would have woke you up. Dont stress about the OW. We had a huge blowout fight on Monday. which is exactly what he was doing when he was working out of town, hence how he met the bartender OW. I dont know why I feel that way, I dont think thats how he sees it. Just walked in and demanded a D. And a few hours later I told him he no longer had any control over me or my life b/c I was done playing games. I dont know if the OW and him are back to speaking, im sure they are, but even if not, sometimes I wonder to myself, if this is who he is, do I even WANT that? Your confrontation with him was to try and get your M off life support. Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. At the time it was happening, his growing disconnection from me and lack of empathy for years makes me believe he just intended to stonewall and ignore it as long as necessary, thinking Id let it go. He decided he did not want to. And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. A partner. Sorry this is so long, I am a littler nervous to publish this to a website! Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. When this all started happening, I was SERIOUSLY concerned he was doing drugs. Is this at all possible to do under the same roof without hating him? I proved in a crisis I will be strong and level headed and calm and make good decisions. Wow is this awful. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. He got pissed off at me and defending himself and his whores must have been exhausting . Stonewalled and denied the entire time. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? I too feel strongly Im doing the right thing. But you man up and be real. Best of luck keep posting -I honestly believe in my heart you are doing the right thing. From what you describe he has serious issues. He said he loved her, but I didnt see hesitation in him leaving the OW. Here we are almost 9 years later and its like he has completely forgotten who I am, and I am finding it hard to be myself when I feel like im losing a limb. I think thats helpful. But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? And if you reconcile I suggest a post nup as one of the conditions. He went out after work, didnt call or text me, didnt come home until 2am. He took advantage one time too many. Unfortunately the spouse is the unwitting victim. No way. When I made him leave and he felt devastated, I felt like I had power. He then apologized for all the things he said to me and said he is just sick of fighting about something that isnt happening (him talking to her). I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. Ok then he has an affair 3 years ago. But he lets his anger take over. It of course makes me assume theres the OW, or more than 1, but it does me NO good to focus on that or assume things in my mind and drive myself insane. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get He now has a new respect for me AND he knows I could walk out the door anytime b/c I am strong enough to do it. But it was not even close to your situation. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. But I think that even if it would have transpired and you would have left, or I would have left, or whatever, I think probably in two days time, I would have been crawling back with my tail between my legs because reality would have hit big time. Hell, I wish THE FIRST TIME I saw a text from her 8 months ago I had kicked his ass out and let him see what life was like without me before the baby came. I told him he isnt even sorry about it and he got really mad. He is just too cowardly to say it. No! The confusing bit when he is around me twice he tried to sleep with me and most recent visit just kept try and cuddle me..: Im so confused my headspace is confused I dont think I want him back as he caused me so much pain but I do know I dont want him with her and I guess I want him to want to come back if that makes sense.. And when I was going to D him after DDay2 (because 1 is just not enough to suffer through) that is when he realized I was no longer going to allow this crap to go on. Best of luck. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. He buys me gifts as usual. And when I do that I can always tell he gets a little curious. I only lasted 6 months and I needed to get out. He accuses me of hiding my phone from him, as if IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG, when he hides his phone morning to night. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. How sad it comes to that. Unfortunately I was. Great! Youre absolutely right. You need to accept it that does not mean you agree or condone it but when you accept he is a liar & cheater and stop trying to change him and therein frustrating yourself, your life will be more peaceful and calmer. But he will never bring himself to admit that because all his allies have validated him based on his lies, that everything is my fault. My H went back to the OW a second time as he was still in the fog. Sunday mornings there were long lines. You forgive him for your own healing. When we first separated for the most part he seemed okay, he wanted to come here every night to see the baby, but he would leave and he seemed to be fine and it killed me. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. I feel like he wont ever feel that way again. I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. Remember the A (or whatever he is doing) is like his drug of choice. The flat out, ice water in his veins, lie. Web**Depression is present throughout the mid-life crisis until the first phase of the final stage of Acceptance, where he would go through his second awakening-where the veil of the I hope that it is. Ouch! Its a sad sad state. We had a rough few years after that and I was ready to leave a few times I was so frustrated and fed up with his choices, behavior and continued lying. I wasnt clear on thatsorry. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. Dont engage in conversations you dont want to. But we all know that bars, single men and women (out without their spouses or significant others) and alcohol can be a lethal mix of temptation and possibly more. Even though I know right now I have every right to if I want to, to see if im being lied to and kick his ass out, but I just am again, TRYING to stick to this 180, and if I can stick to it and somehow show him with my actions that I am doing my own thing, maybe he will become curious. I want to be me. Living like hes single but still getting to come home to me and the baby every night. But when it continues while youre aware of it and youre dealing with your behaviors and the way youre acting, that is so much for a betrayed spouse to handle. Ive just got to figure out what to do next. Last year I lost and then gained 30lbs. The first will not work unless he decides to do the necessary work. It is such a neat (I know some wont like that word choice) experience to feel how messed up my thinking was. I looked after their needs while they were younger but he is their dad and he was involved in their lives. He is probably cheating too but I dont care or try to know or find out. He would be the VERY LAST guy you would suspect!!! It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. I learned I could not. You dont need to explain yourself. Doubtful your leaving would have stopped the affair. In particular, shes committed to helping decrease stigma arou DO NOT ASK IF HE IS LYING. My CH knew the affairs were wrong and hurtful, but couldnt see the harm in keeping a young, 20 something friend. And I get it bc I am exhausted too. You take a step back. I also asked if he thought if there were more positives or negatives if we were no longer WE. And now he says he has been trying to, but honestly I do not see that at all. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. I too went through the limbo stage but I was getting the I want a D discussion. You MUST have a plan B. I need to STICK to the 180 and FULLY DO IT, It is just SO hard, Im so afraid of pushing him away by me pulling away, Im afraid that ill pull away and give him all this freedom and he will just take advantage and feel really great doing things without me. The OW was history and he was doing everything possible to make amends. And I know that, its just near impossible not to. For context, I cheated and my wife and I worked through it. Some recent behaviors led me to believe she was continuing the EA. But now you are in limbo. Now you are just trying to co-exist and live peacefully. Trying to be perfect. As hard as it is to come home everyday to a house completely alone without him, I know i have to stick to it. In your case your H wants a M on his terms. Right on the heels of the PA was an EA with a very young girl. Or him telling me he isnt going to stay here, even though I JUST KICKED HIM OUT. Not open to discussion.

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